"He is no fool that gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose."

Life is like a big blank page and living life the way we live like the strokes that form the characters that describe what we are.

"The reality is that if you work with a group of people, you will have to embrace their differences...." (quoted from a book by BBC)

Remembered a game - I shall call it "Ali Baba & His Team" - I had the opportunity to play on Pulau Ubin with a group of about 20 youths. Missed those times.. It's too complex but fun. Wish I could have the chance to play that game at one of our outings again. Lotsa things one can experience from there.

Anyway, lately a lot of reality I should not have ignored came to mind. Will really need some time off to deliberate over. I also have this strange feeling that things may not ultimately go the way I had been hoping them to.

I feel that certain things are not a matter of the amount of prayers one puts into them... or the amount of sincerity expressed in certain forms or rituals but rather, it is all about knowing something about the Will of God. No point getting what I want at the expense of getting out of His Will. So, what has been predestined, has already happened.

One's perspective will change over time and hence so will one's priorities.

The road ahead is not straight and we do not see beyond every bend or hill.

Just do not lose your humanity along the way. Hold on till the end and let your faith see you through.

No one promises you that you will either walk away unscathed and victorious, or emerge a limbless hero.

Sometimes there's little difference between a little cowardice and the smart old fool who chooses to fight in different battle. He is no fool who knows when will come the time to fight.

Just Venting....

Something happened at work yesterday. It was unbelievably cute and my friend and I just laughed it off momentarily and went back to our work. Anyway, sometimes someone just wanted to ventilate somehow. I think girls are more inclined to do so....

At work, I like my workplace and my organisation because I feel that at least, things do get moving, although albeit sometimes a little too slowly. Heard that there are gossip-mongers and scavengers - vulture-like creatures that would swoop down on an injured prey. Sometimes, Christians or not, some colleagues seem to have no mercy....

Anyway, My SG2000 kit finally arrived this afternoon from HK. Looking forward to achieving my state of virtual nirvana soon. Let's see how things go! Ommmmmmm........

what hinders us from achieving happiness at work or elsewhere

Common Asians are known to be more risk-averse. Especially asian children grown up in a well sheltered spoonfed environment. Most graduating radiographers are probably feeling disappointed that there may not be enough jobs for them when they graduate. They have grown accustomed to parents directing them which school to go for, which ECA to take part in, and probably what kind of jobs/career will be good. (Probably not applicable to the selection of spouses.) Even young radiographers would still need a push to decide if they should take up specialisation in a given field. I can understand the dilemma but I think it is because many have become so focussed on not losing out on what would have been a better choice. Basically, Kiasism.... Risk-aversion.

(There's another trait: Kiasuism. I have known someone who has this subconscious tendency and who tried to make sure that she would not get any less benefits than those in her same cohort. So we would have to ensure that in the name of equity - all things must be fairly distributed. But sometimes, welfare does not mean that the rain should fall equally on every patch of grass everytime there is a downpour. She will have her turn someday. To dictate that she must have the rain, everytime God lets it rain somewhere else, I think she is bound to be irritating one day.

Some people tend to be more "kiasu" than others. They cannot accept being at a more disadvantaged position than another person, no matter how slight the gradient is.)

3 Ds of Success

Desire - the hunger and motivation. It drives the person forward.

Dedication - this requires discipline. Think of the diehards and the highly motivated cultists. Unfortunately, dedication to a wrong cause. Where dedication and Desire speaks of energy and intensity, it does not touch on whether the aim was correct. Misdirected focus and energy is as dangerous as a micalibrated laser gun.

Naturally, the distance that one can cover depends on both Desire X Dedication.

Dare - this is the first, but necessary step towards any direction. The amount of desire and dedication determines the amount of Dare but not necessarily the other way round. The amount of Dare does not determine the amount desire nor the dedication. In other words, we can challenge and motivate someone. We can put someone to the test. But once the pressure is off, the intensity and perserverence fades off. A flash in a pan is a good example.

Ingredients necessary for achievements:-
Dare + Desire X Dedication in a given Direction.
But it sounds much easier in theory. Becos most people are in lack of these 3.

For Boon Chye - a brother

Boon Chye was one of the big brother-mentors who had taught me a lot during my youth. He used to work for his father running a factory making foams and polystyro...foams (whatever). They are meant for sofas, cushions, mattresses and beds. I knew of his wish to venture into China, and that was way way ahead before talks about WTO. That was during my early Bartleyan YF days - before CG came and swept through BCC and probably Singapore.

He has always been like a big brother to me. I enjoyed talking with him. His tone of voice, his mannerism, big-hearted nature and his unique boyish laughter... I feel Jill must have been a very lucky girl to become Mrs Tay! He is one of those rare breed kind. Both Simon and I have also been very fortunate to have him like a big brother.

When I was first just starting out as a trainee radiographer in SGH, Boon Chye seemed to understand that I was having difficulties adjusting to my new work environment. He offered to bring me jogging with him down from Tampines to Bedok Central. It was a nice jog. We did not talk much because I just wanted to be silent whenever I wasn't happy. We ran from Tampines, round Bedok reservoir and then down to Bedok central. There we had A&W rootbeer float! Awesome! Especially after the sweat-out. Then he shared with me his work issues which prompted me to share mine. Not sure if he had planned it, but somehow his topic hit me and that was how he helped me see through mine.

There was also another time (just before final exams in Yr 3) and while celebrating a friend's birthday, he brought a bunch of the guys to visit me. (Because I wasn't in the mood to go with them. So he brought them to visit me.) I am very sorry if I had hurt him. I was the stubborn type and normally would not like people to change plans for me. But despite the sourly attitude that I had, he managed to coax me into going for a midnight spin with him. He offered to let me drive his family's new car. It was supposed to be a fun ride except that my heart wasn't there. I nearly crashed into another car. Anyway ... The night turned out alright. We went somewhere in Mountbatten (I think) where we had good supper and celebrated someone's birthday. Can't remember whether it was Yong Phong's, Sit Kei's or Simon's...

Looking back, I am really thankful for someone like him. Soon, he got married, and I also got so engrossed in my own work, I neglected to keep in touch with him. I believe the rest still are keeping in touch. For all the good times, I am also thankful for his words of advice and encouragement.

He had said to me that if I could lead a group of people to do the same, I could reach out to more patients than I could with just a pair of hands. That was probably something which helped me accept what I am today. Otherwise, I would still be running around the department with some gamebook in my jacket or dodging the arrows.

Just remembered why I am here.

Just imagine. While trying to rush through an examination on an elderly, she gripped your hand so tightly and smiled. You smile back to her and as you look into those eyes, you realise that there are tears coming down the side of her eye? I know of a pain that is silent. It is probably the result of mixing both aches and fear and hole it all up inside, stir it and prolong it for the next few years. It is the pains that the elderly become so familiar with. At the hospital, sometimes there's nothing left to say. The tables are hard and cold. There is no time for blankets and companionship. The radiographers appear to be more engrossed with their patient's hands or legs, or hips appearing perfectly on the workstations while she lays stiff and cold on one side in the X-ray room, wondering what is happening to her next, what is happening to her children ... and her grandchildren.. Hear these:

"let me go...."
"I have nothing to eat or drink since morning when my children sent me to this hospital."
"The doctor is busy, maybe I can come another day."
"You are so clever. So young become doctor ah? Pls no need to do anything for me becos I dont need my children waste money on me."
"No, you are busy too, but pls call my son to bring me home. It is too expensive for him to put me here."
"How much? But I am old woman. I have no money." (She was crying.)

Everyday I have to come across people waiting anxiously for a family or friend outside the theatre. Some were in groups. But my heart goes to the lonely figure sitting on the floor - alone. I also know the loneliness of the one lying still and cold on the trolley inside the theatre, feeling helpless and or hopeless. Not that the operations will be hopeless, but rather, whatever adjustments that will need to be done after the operations. Life & Death does not end there, in the OT. Even if the surgeons can fix the leg or hip, or remove the tumour, we realise that there is still a need for God - God of the living. God of our Quality Adjusted Life Years. And we wish we could go back in time and start all over.

Life goes on. Interesting people makes life interesting and fun. But happiness can be so fragile and it becomes so easy to frown. I see a fresh hope in Yen who is now so happy and free, and moving around on her little bike. In a place where quality can still be within easy reach.